I’ve felt like I wasn’t worthy of love for much of my life. A common question I played over and over in my head during my younger years was, “Why would somebody ever be interested in me?”
My insecurities regarding relationships caused me to perceive problems when they didn’t really exist. This turned what could have been successful relationships into dismal, short-lived failures. Does that sound familiar? If it does, here are nine things you can do to help you stop feeling so insecure.
- Don’t think everything is all about you.
A worldview focused on yourself will send you in pursuit of boogeymen that don’t really exist. For example, if your partner doesn’t want to go out, don’t automatically assume it’s because of you. Maybe they just had a bad day at work, or they’re just tired.
- Don’t psychoanalyze every word your partner uses.
Be present in the moment. This will allow you to notice things like the message behind their tone, their physical presence, and their posture. Obsessing over hidden messages will guarantee you’ll miss the point.
- Don’t rebuke your partner for being quiet.
Stop asking, “What are you thinking?” every time conversation lapses. One signature characteristic of insecure people is an overwhelming urge to fill up every moment of silence with unnecessary words. Instead of talking, just take your partner’s hand, take a deep breath, and enjoy silent moments together. You can simply enjoy being together without using words.
- Don’t psych yourself out.
The nature of your thoughts directly affects the character of your relationship. Your thoughts can be either your relationship’s best friend or its worst enemy.
Do you ever think negative thoughts such as, “I know he’ll eventually get tired of me,” or, “How could he ever love me?” Thoughts like these don’t have much to do with reality. Instead, they’re grounded in fear. In other words, the problems you’re concerned about don’t actually exist—you made them up!
Whenever you feel insecure about your relationship, remind yourself that the things you’re obsessing over only exist inside your head.
- Don’t carry all that baggage around.
Have you ever been in a relationship that was so terrible you never want to think about it again? Well, join the club! You’ll be hard-pressed to find somebody who doesn’t have any baggage, because love is an unpredictable—and often bumpy—ride!
If you’re lugging around a lot of baggage from past relationships, you must lighten your load before you jump into a new one. Letting go of left-over hurt feelings that may be lingering will allow you to see that your new relationship as an opportunity to leave the past behind.
The best thing about life is that you can re-start as often as you need to!
- Don’t see conflicts in “all-or-nothing” terms.
When somebody blames you for things you think aren’t your fault, how do you react? Most people go on the defensive.
So, confronting your partner over problems, no matter how obvious they may be to you, will most likely elicit a defensive reaction. This easily leads to unproductive knock-down, drag-out fights, because each of you is too busy proving yourself right to address the conflict.
When you face a problem, don’t rush into confrontational finger-pointing. Instead, calmly approach your partner with understanding and compassion. Take comfort in the fact that neither you nor he is totally “right” or “wrong.” The truth lies somewhere in between.
- Don’t feel paranoia over nothing.
Part of being human is that we all interact with other people. Just because two people are friends doesn’t mean that there’s more to the story.
Avoid the temptation to eavesdrop on your partner’s phone, emails, or social media messages. Seeing nothing amiss may temporarily calm your nerves. But snooping can quickly become addictive. It can also destroy the trust in a relationship.
- Don’t put off uncomfortable conversations.
Conflict may stress your relationship in the short-term. But conflict increases the long-term strength of your relationship.
Fearlessly facing your problems will help you and your partner grow closer together. If you don’t mince words with each other, you’ll develop trust so strong that you’ll be free to talk to your partner about anything that’s on your mind.
- Don’t depend on anybody but yourself.
Having someone to cuddle with, hug, kiss, share life with, and love is wonderful. But before you set off to find that someone to love, you need to love yourself.
You don’t invite friends into your home when it’s in disarray. In the same way, you shouldn’t consider inviting a partner into your life if it’s a disorganized wreck. Take care of your inner house before you invite someone else into it.
Letting go of insecurity will reduce your stress levels and increase your satisfaction with your romantic relationship.